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Why We Can’t Always Get What We Want – and how to change that. Part 2

Please read Part 1 below first -Thanks for your comments from Part 1.

Part 2

Naturally there are other factors that contribute to why we don’t get what we want. Some of these are:

  • Our own place on the path – how aware, compassionate, knowledgeable, wise, caring and wilful we are – all factors that indicate this.
  • The culture of our parents and how they moulded us

Our own place on the path

I believe this is one of the major factors in why we don’t get what we want. Life is a learning experience and we gain a little more wisdom each time we attain something we have wanted, thereby making it easier next time around.

The culture of our parents and how they moulded us

Our parents were moulded into their way of being by their parents and culture. So that’s who they believe they are. The chances are, because it works for them, that they will create you in the same way.

Let me refresh in your mind the last article and the quote from it:

As an infant, you are little else but presence – natural being. Spend a few minutes with a baby and you feel it. Whether energetic of quiet, solid or sweet, that presence is palpable. Gradually, you lose that unmistakeable quality as you and those around you become more focused on what you look like, how you behave, and what you say and do than on the fact of your being. A.H. Almaas

This is an amazingly profound statement!! Our parents are our only means of survival and if we want to survive we had better get their approval!! Their disapproval (apart from physical abuse) comes in the form of:

  • Impatience
  • Disapproving looks
  • Roughness – another form of impatience
  • Psychic projections
  • Anger or rage
  • Not being present, for e.g. a glazed look because a mom is wrapped up in her own emotions and not paying attention and communicating properly. This results in feelings of abandonment and rejection.
  • Us not meeting our parents’ creation of how they wanted us to be.

Let me remind you again that our brains are not ‘on line’ as infants – we can’t rationalise.

Can you also see that it wouldn’t have to be individual traumatic experiences that took us away from who we are, but the drip, drip effect of not having our beingness or presence acknowledged?

As adults we cannot remember the terrible effects this had on us simply because we became who we are now. We are that conditioning and it’s likely we will pass it on to our kids, because we have lost the ability to be empathic and attuned.

Empathy

 

The true definition of empathy means being able to experience what the other is experiencing. This isn’t imagining what its like because something similar happened to you. It’s actually feeling what the other person feels and comes about through increasing our awareness or having it in the first place. It stands to reason that if we could empathise with what our infant was experiencing we wouldn’t do what we are doing. Many moms are capable of this and become very distressed when their attunement to their infants fails them – they feel their infant’s distress but aren’t attuned enough to pick up what is happening with him/her.

Attunement

 

Just to refresh your memory, attunement is about being able to tune into your infant’s needs and supply them. The more attuned you are to your infant the more he or she will feel seen or mirrored. In other words you are duplicating the infant’s feelings and being in such a way that she knows she is being held in being.

 

 

If you watched the Mary Ainsworth (strange situation) video on Youtube you will be aware of the difference between a securely attached child and a non-securely attached child. It goes without saying that we take this attachment forward into adulthood which then affects our relationships. If we are insecurely attached we are needy, dependent or we just can’t have relationships as being close is too painful. Depending on the economic and social area you were brought up in, surveys show that secure attachment ranges from 20% to 40%.  So, at worst, 40% of people have attachment problems. And that’s a lot of lost life force particles!

To go back to the purpose of this article – getting what you want – how much of a role do you think secure attachment would play in helping you get what you want?????

The truth of the situation is that, depending what you want, it’s rather a hit and miss affair. But if you want to go down that road and  get those life force particles back, there’s an easy, quick, new way that allows that to happen, backed by neuro-scientific proof. You may not get what you want but it’s almost guaranteed that you will find more of the real you – secure, grounded, loving, joyful and compassionate.  Contact me if you want more information.

Colin

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